Adventures in adulthood

I think turning twenty has been more of a milestone for me than turning eighteen or nineteen.

When I turned eighteen, I figured I was becoming an adult. I could vote, after all.

When I turned nineteen, I guessed adulthood must have hit me. I could go to bars and buy lottery tickets.

But when I turned twenty, I think that's when adulthood (see: reality) finally decided to really kick in.

There isn't anything I can do at twenty that I couldn't do at nineteen, but twenty as a number seems to have more of a psychological impact on me than eighteen or nineteen. There's no "teen" in my age anymore.

I can't blame being a teenager for mistakes I make. I can't plead young ignorance anymore.

While this doesn't mean that I all of a sudden know what the hell I'm doing sometimes, it means I've gotten better at pretending.

I feel like it was just yesterday that I was graduating. Now, I'm halfway through my undergrad and spending the summer getting a glimpse at what it's like to be a journalist.

I've managed to land a summer internship with the T-J, my hometown newspaper and the province's largest daily. I'm writing for the paper I've grown up reading, ironically enough, in the city I always thought I'd leave.

It kind of all happened by chance. Since I don't have my license yet, I wasn't going to apply for an internship. But I realized that I had nothing to lose in applying. And now, here I am.

My biggest fear was that I wouldn't like it.

I started researching journalism programmes when I was in grade six. To say that I had ambitions to be a journalist would probably be an understatement.

I'd like to think that just about everything I've done has been working toward the very moment I stepped into the T-J two weeks ago tomorrow.

So to finally get here and then realize it's not what I want was a thought that was in the back of my mind after I finished exams and waited patiently for the internship to begin.

My second biggest fear was that I wouldn't be good enough.

I've gotten better at not doubting my abilities, because I've realized that if I can't believe that I'm good at something, the person I need to give me a shot certainly isn't going to. And once you start doubting yourself, that's it. You're finished. I think not measuring up will always be at the back of my mind and I'm not alone on that. But I'm pushing it back and free diving ahead for now.

With two weeks at the T-J under my belt, I now feel a bit more comfortable, but not too comfortable. I'm always worried about making mistakes, and it's taught me to pay more attention to what I'm writing. More importantly, I think my experience so far has shown me what I want to do as a journalist.

I've never really known exactly what I want to do in journalism, just that I want to be a journalist. And while I don't want to limit myself too much and I want to be versatile, I'm starting to see what I'm best at and where I want to be in my career eventually.

When I was a kid, what always attracted me to journalism was the excitement of it all. When something big happens, I want to be there. I want to know what's going on. I might not understand it and hell, I might not be able to help others understand it, but I'm going to try.

I want to tell stories that matter, stories that wouldn't be told otherwise. I want to make a difference and I think that's what has kept me pushing all of these years through late IB nights, losing Papa, marathon yearbook sessions, high school awkwardness, all-night paper writing sessions and general "oh damn it, I'm growing up!" identity crises.

I've also realized how much I've learned writing for The AQ. Without my experiences at The AQ, I would feel much less prepared to take on each day of this new adventure.

Saint John has surprised me. I'm learning more about Saint John this summer than I have in my twenty years combined here. Instead of wanting to leave Saint John, maybe I've turned the corner and realized it'll always be a part of me. I may not live here forever, but maybe I could live here for a while.

That's how things happen sometimes I guess. I wanted to leave Saint John. I wanted to go to Ryerson. I wanted to be a broadcast journalist, and hell, maybe I still will be. But I've fallen in love with print, I'm still in Saint John, and I ended up at STU. In first year, I might have regretted my university choice. But now, I think it was the best last-minute (as usual) decision I ever made.

If I didn't go to STU, it's likely I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to write so much at any other campus newspaper. I wouldn't have met the great friends I've met in Fredericton, who've helped me a lot this year. I wouldn't have learned so much about myself.

Back to the original subject, I love what I'm doing this summer. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to get up every day and do something I love, and hopefully, make a difference. I know that these types of jobs are scarce, which makes me even more grateful to have this opportunity.

Sometimes, I don't know how the hell I got here, but I'm glad I did.

Aside

Sometimes, it takes a while to appreciate things.

When I lived at home, I only noticed the things about my neighbourhood I disliked. It became monotonous to me. When you live somewhere for so long and experience the scenery for so many years, I think it's bound to happen.

To be blatantly honest, I was also always a bit embarrassed about where I came from.

Which makes little sense, because everything my family raised me with drilled in the idea of equality to my brain. They taught me that I am no less than anyone else based upon how many parents I had, or how much money we made. Nor am I any better than anyone else.

Despite this, I still felt embarrassed telling people where I lived or what I came from.

It took living in another place where I could be around new types of people and experience new ideas to really appreciate who I am, and where I came from.

If there's anything I've ever learned from the time I had with Papa, it's that you don't need to be great, rich or grand to make a difference. You don't have to have a lot to impact someone else's life.

You can bloom where you are, no matter where that is.

It doesn't matter where you are, or what situation you're in, something can always be learned from it.

Neighbourhoods like the South End don't need to be fixed. They can be great neighbourhoods and so can the people in them be great. You just need to give them the opportunity to have an impact on their own community and to grow.

That's when you'll really see people blooming where they are.

The Weakerthans - Aside

One Great City!

I'm back in Saint John for 4 months on the 21st. This is good, in that it's a change for a bit. I miss the fog, the lights and the uptown. I miss the comfort of living at home, my family, friends and familiar faces.

I miss the irony in living here. I live in a city where one company owns nearly the entire city, where a city council spent (and continues to spend) millions of dollars building a huge red sidewalk, where we dump our sewage into our harbour and then comment on how nice of a view we have.

And somehow, we're okay with all of this.

At the same time, I don't miss being frustrated, because ultimately that's what being in Saint John for too long makes me. The fog is nice, until you don't have a sunny day for 2 weeks. The people are good, until you have to fight to keep up acquaintances with people, merely out of habit.

I don't miss feeling creatively shut down.

To explain that a bit further, even though I had a really hard time adjusting to Fredericton, something about being in Fredericton makes me so much more motivated. It makes me appreciate things from home more and it charges me to make a difference. It makes me think more, visualize, debate, write, be creative, read, just be an independent human where no one expects anything specific. It's a new start, a new place. It's different in Saint John. I am not as creative or as independant at home, but maybe I need to find a place, a state, where I can be how I am here there.

I love my neighbourhood, and I appreciate it a lot more than when I have to see it everyday. Seeing it everyday and knowing that maybe I can't contribute anything to change it is frustrating. My hope is that I can contribute somehow, but sometimes I let myself get discouraged. This is the wrong thing to do. It's a great place, but when I look at the negative things, the good things go by the wayside.

Instead of turning the negative into something great, I let it consume me.

I love coming here, and at the same time, I know I couldn't live here forever. Maybe it's because of me, and it's not the city at all. I know I'm not the only one with this love/hate complex for my hometown. It's why so many of my friends have moved on, why Saint John has trouble attracting young people.

There's just so much to see, learn, understand, so many people to meet, so many places to explore, staying constant in one place with the same people in the same neighbourhood in the same apartment for 18+ years just seems smothering.

But I guess I still kind of love it sometimes. With that said, I'm making the best of it this summer, or I'll regret it.

"I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know, will never take me anywhere but here." - Left and Leaving, The Weakerthans.

Grapevine Fires

Kelly Lamrock, the Minister of Education for the province of New Brunswick, recently announced that two schools in Saint John would remain open despite a recommendation to close them by the District Education Council.

The reasons given for closing the schools were primarily centred around the fact that both have declining populations and the upkeep of the schools are too expensive. My friend Paul has followed the issue more extensively than I have on his blog, which can be found here.

The biggest reason why I am glad to see that the schools are staying open is because the schools were designated by the province as "community schools" not long ago. Essentially, Hazen White-St. Francis and Lorne Middle School are located in the North End, another one of Saint John's vulnerable neighbourhoods. Neighbourhood concentrated poverty is a huge issue in Saint John, as I've said numerous time on this blog, and these schools are the backbone of the community.

St. John the Baptist-King Edward performs a similar role in the South End community. When I think of how different it would be to not have that building in the community, I can't help but think that there would be something missing. The community centre is there, and the province recently announced plans to run a centre for young children out of the basement of the school that would hopefully improve literacy rates, allow professionals to prepare more students for a smooth transition into school and give parents another valuable resource in the community.

Really, the school is invaluable to the community. Not only that, but there would be a lot of parents that would not be involved as much in the school community if it didn't exist. Most of the people in the South End, and the North End where the proposed changes were to be made regarding the closed schools, are on limited budgets. In other words, most people do not have cars. My Mom is one of these people, and it would have been a lot harder for her to have been involved and as proactive in my education had the school been so physically inaccesible.

The decision to not shutter the doors to these crucial community schools gets a thumbs up for me. It seems like the Graham government finally listened to what people wanted, and delivered on it.

Schools are so essential to these communities; close them and you'll find that there will be a lot more issues than there already are. And the first step to reducing poverty or at least turning these places into better and safer neighbourhoods involves creating some form of community.

Grapevine Fires - Death Cab for Cutie

My City's Still Breathing -- But Barely, It's True

A lot of buzz has been going around lately in Saint John about a development called Tannery Court. The project, which would go on Camarthen Street in the city's South End, would house approximately 50 low-income adults in single room apartments. Most of the people living there have disabilities of some sort, or illnesses, and are therefore unable to work. Part of the project would be funded by the provincial government and is being developed by Co-Op Atlantic.

Many people have opposed this development because everyone in the building would be in the same income category. Putting all of these low-income people in one place is a bad thing, according to some people.

While I agree that the South End could benefit signifcantly from a more mixed income atmosphere in the neighbourhood and I would love to see that happen, the building is still offering housing to 50 people who otherwise would have no place to go. For a city with the highest rate of neighbourhood concentrated poverty (source: this article), I think that having people 50 more people living comfortably and having pride in the fact that they have a home is better than 50 homeless people or 50 people living in dilapidated quarters.

There was an article in the Telegraph-Journal a while ago about how long single people have to wait to get an apartment, because people with children take first priority on the waiting list. Wouldn't this help the situation?

Also, another article in the TJ today featured a woman who lives in a Tannery Court house in Fredericton talk about how positive the atmosphere is in the building. She talks about how the residents have pride in where they live and work together to keep their building and neighbourhood clean.

So my question is, what's the big deal? The building would be new and much nicer than some of the older buildings in the neighbourhood that would be within the residents' price range. These people would have somewhat small quarters to live in, but it's something. It's better than living on the street, in a rooming house or a shelter.

And then, there are people who just probably don't want 50 more people who are low-income living next door to them because they automatically assume that they are involved with crime or that they're lazy. After all, they do have to run background checks on them.

I say, give the development a chance. Give these people a chance and just maybe it will be something that we can be proud of. Like the woman in the article says, they're not people who need to be kept in cages.

The biggest problem with the South End is that there's a stigma and a reputation that it's not a good place to raise kids, and that's why people live in the suburbs now instead of in the city. If people didn't have it in their heads that it was a bad place to be and the benefit of the doubt was given, maybe it wouldn't have such a bad reputation and we could work towards developing more of a sense of community. Getting rid of these negative assumptions is the first step.

I don't think it's a bad place to live. I've had to hear about how bad it is from people who do not live here my entire life, but other than that, from someone who has lived here her entire life, I think it's not a bad place at all. Things are looking up, and I think that the councillors we currently have on council, the South End can be beautified.

And maybe someday, the negative stigma that people who live outside of the area have about the people and the neighbourhood could be eradicated.

Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans