Adventures in adulthood

I think turning twenty has been more of a milestone for me than turning eighteen or nineteen.

When I turned eighteen, I figured I was becoming an adult. I could vote, after all.

When I turned nineteen, I guessed adulthood must have hit me. I could go to bars and buy lottery tickets.

But when I turned twenty, I think that's when adulthood (see: reality) finally decided to really kick in.

There isn't anything I can do at twenty that I couldn't do at nineteen, but twenty as a number seems to have more of a psychological impact on me than eighteen or nineteen. There's no "teen" in my age anymore.

I can't blame being a teenager for mistakes I make. I can't plead young ignorance anymore.

While this doesn't mean that I all of a sudden know what the hell I'm doing sometimes, it means I've gotten better at pretending.

I feel like it was just yesterday that I was graduating. Now, I'm halfway through my undergrad and spending the summer getting a glimpse at what it's like to be a journalist.

I've managed to land a summer internship with the T-J, my hometown newspaper and the province's largest daily. I'm writing for the paper I've grown up reading, ironically enough, in the city I always thought I'd leave.

It kind of all happened by chance. Since I don't have my license yet, I wasn't going to apply for an internship. But I realized that I had nothing to lose in applying. And now, here I am.

My biggest fear was that I wouldn't like it.

I started researching journalism programmes when I was in grade six. To say that I had ambitions to be a journalist would probably be an understatement.

I'd like to think that just about everything I've done has been working toward the very moment I stepped into the T-J two weeks ago tomorrow.

So to finally get here and then realize it's not what I want was a thought that was in the back of my mind after I finished exams and waited patiently for the internship to begin.

My second biggest fear was that I wouldn't be good enough.

I've gotten better at not doubting my abilities, because I've realized that if I can't believe that I'm good at something, the person I need to give me a shot certainly isn't going to. And once you start doubting yourself, that's it. You're finished. I think not measuring up will always be at the back of my mind and I'm not alone on that. But I'm pushing it back and free diving ahead for now.

With two weeks at the T-J under my belt, I now feel a bit more comfortable, but not too comfortable. I'm always worried about making mistakes, and it's taught me to pay more attention to what I'm writing. More importantly, I think my experience so far has shown me what I want to do as a journalist.

I've never really known exactly what I want to do in journalism, just that I want to be a journalist. And while I don't want to limit myself too much and I want to be versatile, I'm starting to see what I'm best at and where I want to be in my career eventually.

When I was a kid, what always attracted me to journalism was the excitement of it all. When something big happens, I want to be there. I want to know what's going on. I might not understand it and hell, I might not be able to help others understand it, but I'm going to try.

I want to tell stories that matter, stories that wouldn't be told otherwise. I want to make a difference and I think that's what has kept me pushing all of these years through late IB nights, losing Papa, marathon yearbook sessions, high school awkwardness, all-night paper writing sessions and general "oh damn it, I'm growing up!" identity crises.

I've also realized how much I've learned writing for The AQ. Without my experiences at The AQ, I would feel much less prepared to take on each day of this new adventure.

Saint John has surprised me. I'm learning more about Saint John this summer than I have in my twenty years combined here. Instead of wanting to leave Saint John, maybe I've turned the corner and realized it'll always be a part of me. I may not live here forever, but maybe I could live here for a while.

That's how things happen sometimes I guess. I wanted to leave Saint John. I wanted to go to Ryerson. I wanted to be a broadcast journalist, and hell, maybe I still will be. But I've fallen in love with print, I'm still in Saint John, and I ended up at STU. In first year, I might have regretted my university choice. But now, I think it was the best last-minute (as usual) decision I ever made.

If I didn't go to STU, it's likely I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to write so much at any other campus newspaper. I wouldn't have met the great friends I've met in Fredericton, who've helped me a lot this year. I wouldn't have learned so much about myself.

Back to the original subject, I love what I'm doing this summer. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to get up every day and do something I love, and hopefully, make a difference. I know that these types of jobs are scarce, which makes me even more grateful to have this opportunity.

Sometimes, I don't know how the hell I got here, but I'm glad I did.